So I’ve been having an issue with accountability lately. Seems that a whole lot of the things that I had regularly engaged in as part of an effort to keep myself sane have just gone out the window.
Food — I eat it all, who needs moderation? Not me, I’ll tell ya.
School — why check backpacks, Jimmy will do it.
Television — Okay, okay, not exactly a priority, but as far as down time that I frankly owe myself, well, I have yet to watch a single episode of The Closer.
This space — if there’s one thing I enjoy, it’s the sound of my own voice, which translates in these here internets to my blog. More than a month! I’ve skipped five weeks of doing something I enjoy. Bummer.
This month on the facepage, people have been doing something
obscenely annoying totally introspective: The Month of Thanksgiving. Folks from all walks of life are taking time normally set aside for stalking ex-boyfriends and playing mafia wars to list one thing each day for which they are thankful. You know, for Thanksgiving. Because Thanksgiving in America is all about saying, “Hey Indians, thanks for the food, now step aside while we rape and pillage your land. Oh, don’t worry, we’ll give you “reservations” where the earth is bruised and rocky and the water is completely non-potable but the Bingo far exceeds any expectation you saw in your latest hot sweat vision quest!” And nothing celebrates that sentiment quite like two sentence quips each day on an addictive website built by a millionaire teenage dork.
Well, I have NOT participated in the Month of Thanksgiving. But I am. Thankful, I mean, For all sorts of stuff. So I present to you, 30 days of thanks, all in one convenient package:
1 – Health. Food might be on my list of things I have been bad about, but at least Zumba Stacey keeps me in check. It’s nice to be able to move like you’re one big sass machine.
2 – Beer. How can anyone dislike a food that will trigger you to vomit if you’ve had too much? It’s barley and hops sponsored bulimia at its best.
3 – Teachers. Without them, I’d have to parent 24 hours a day. No thank you. I didn’t have kids so I could watch them.
4 – Naps. Did you ever notice the way children freak the hell out at even the suggestion that they settle down, let alone lie down, let alone close their eyes? Can you imagine if every single day someone said to you, go sleep for no less than 45 minites. Sweet mercy, I would be in heaven.
5 – Pooping. I’m sorry, that just feels great.
6 – Chocolate. I am not a sweet fiend, but even I can appreciate this one.
7 – Chicago. Everyone has their big city, even if they don’t live there. This one is mine.
8 – Aruba. I’ve never met you, but we have a date. January 4, 2014.
9 – The never-ending saga that is Law and Order. Man was I ever pissed when they canceled your flagship show. IT NEVER GETS OLD. bum-BUM!!
10 -Lady Gaga. Self explanatory.
11 -Selena Gomez.. Your songs are so catchy and my sons are deeply in love with you. Sure, I am totally afraid that the day will come when the very magazines I bought featuring you will become my son’s first stroke material. At which point I will want you banished from all things Disney. Just please don’t Lohan on me.
12 – Smart phones. THEY ARE SO SMART!!
13 – The First Amendment. Totally working for me.
14 – Divorce. Also totally working for me.
15 – Pitbull. Possibly the worst artist ever. But I have never in my life wanted so bad to find somebody sexy and tell them hey.
16 – The Omaha Morning Blend. Making my kids stars at least twice a year.
17 – The facepage SO. Don’t ask, it’s secret!!
18 – Makeup. Zits + splotchiness + 38-year-old woman = your eternal customer
19 – The Winchester Brothers. Damn you’re fine.
20 – Central air. Now hear me out. I despise manufactured cold air. I love few things in life the way I love to sweat in July. But with my love comes fear that the rest of the free world disagrees. And no one, especially me, wants to deal with my husband Sybil when the oppressive heat of summer refuses to let go. Even I know when it’s time to flip the switch.
21 – The oppressive heat of summer. That’s why I have both a front and a back porch.
22 – The Chicago Cubs. Because the only way to stay sane is to deal with eternal heartbreak.
23 – Boobs. They’re right there and even these old gals come in handy.
24 – The Happy Place. Where happiness takes place, 365 days a year. I know there is supposed to be some natural rivalry and lifelong disdain between the cheeseheads and the FIBS, but there are few things in this world as truly beautiful as rural Wisconsin. Just so long as we don’t have to collectively bargain to keep it that way.
25 – Kayla and Nancy. A girl ain’t nothin’ without some girls of her own.
26 – Three sisters and one brother, all of whom are in their 40’s. I am in my 30’s. Suck it hags.
27 – My Mom and Dad. I NEVER tell them how much I love and appreciate them. Because clearly, I am a shit.
28 – Jimmy. Seriously, what were the chances of that ever happening?
29 – My boys, Hank and George. If you’d asked me when I was younger if I’d have sons or daughters or a combination, I would have told you sons. It’s pretty much the one thing I was ever THAT right about. I love those kiddos. They are the best thing I have ever done.
30 – Peace, love and happiness. I have it. I should take the time to notice it a little more often.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!