Apocalypse now

“You walk outside, you risk your life. You take a drink of water, you risk your life. Nowadays you breathe and you risk your life. You don’t have a choice. The only thing you can choose is what you’re risking it for.”

Yeah, deliver a speech like that, you’re probably going to get your head cut off sooner or later.

OH MY GOD Y’ALL I have such a problem. The Walking Dead is coming back on Sunday, and I am LEGIT pissed that it’s taking so long. I need my Darryl. I need my Rick. For God’s sake, I miss Beth’s singing. I’m quoting Herschel. Then wanting to cry. BECAUSE HE IS DEAD.

(hey, did ANYONE go stab his head, or is he headless Herschel laying on the ground all “gaarrrhhhhhh” outside the prison?)

I’m not alone, yo. It’s like I KNOW them. And I am so sad that they’re not here right now. I need them. I have serious issues. Do you?

Top 9 Signs You Have Serious Issues With The Walking Dead

#9 ~ You have weapons.


Sure, it’s the winter that won’t end. Even the people *IN* the *ACTUAL* Atlanta have had to go out and buy a shovel. But you’re not content to buy a new shovel. You bought a set. With a flat-edge ice pick. For one reason and one reason only.


You are smashing some walker skull with this.

#8 ~ You won’t go thirsty.


That water cooler looks like the one your Grandma had. And all those fools with their “save their environment” Tervis cups are going to be BEGGING you for a drink because you have a house full of water jugs and not tiny little rainforest friendly recyclable bottles.

You know what the rainforest has?


#7 ~ You’re unapologetically hoarding.


You’re avoiding taking boxes to good will, because you’re going to need some towels and extra clothes when the washing machines disappear into the abyss.

#6 ~ You have made an actual list of the clothing items you will bring with you to the Zombie Apocalypse.






There you go. Also, you’ll be stealing all your husband’s clothing. Don’t worry. He isn’t going to make it. You’ll have to put him down with this:

Yes, this again. Told you it would come in handy.

Yes, this again. Told you it would come in handy. Sorry Jim.

#5 ~ There are not enough notebooks in the world.


Because you need to literally rewrite history, and there’s all these notebooks on sale at Walmart. And make bizzaro check marks a la The Governor trying to fix the walkers. You’ll collect pencils and pencil sharpeners too, don’t worry, you’ve thought of it all.

#4 ~ You’ve taken to collecting razors.


You found the $4 razor store on Amazon. And you’re planning on looking like Maggie after the End of Days, so you’re gonna need to shave.

#3 ~ You have palates of this.


And you don’t want to admit it, but you think you’ve figured out a legitimate way to make it all work. It won’t even be gross.

#2 ~ This pisses you off.


When people tell you they want Darryl and Carol to have a romantic relationship, you think about stabbing them with your pencil. The one you are using to rewrite history. The history where Darryl loves you. Because your husband is dead. Remember, you smashed his skull with this:

He deserved it.

He deserved it.

And you’ll drive it into Carol’s head too if she touches your man.

And the #1 sign you have serious issues with The Walking Dead ~ When someone utters the words “well in the comic book……..”


BOOM. Right in the face with this:

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up about the comic book.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up about the comic book.

If I wanted to read a comic book, I’d go steal my brother’s X-Men collection. Of course it’s different. In the comic (or, shall we call it a “graphic novel” so as not to hurt the feelings of the people who need pictures but don’t want to admit it) Shane dies early and Herschel has like 1,000 kids and Andrea and Dale are GETTING IT ON. And Carol is kind of straight then gay then tri-curious (wants to take a try at walkers, it does NOT end well) and The Governor looks like Captain Jack Sparrow and Maggie and Glen shave their heads and I didn’t have the patience to find out why.


The comic book sucks. Stop telling me they aren’t the same, unless you throw the words THANK GOD after that.

Look, I can even dress the part if I need to fit in.

Look, I can even dress the part if I need to fit in, THAT is how ready I am.

Rick. Tyreese. Michonne. Maggie.


Come back. I need you.


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3 responses to “Apocalypse now

  1. Hilarious!!

    P.S. I love the comics and the show, but 100% agree with all the changes the show has made to the original story.

  2. Can’t wait for the X-men / Walking Dead crossover.

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