Leap of faith…

So it’s February 29.

It has something to do with the way the earth orbits the sun. Seems it does not orbit in 365 days, it orbits in 365 days and six hours. So every four years they have to add in that extra day or else eventually the seasons and the calendar will be all messed up. It’s rude of you think about it. The earth struggles and struggles to get a little bit faster, and every four years we send it to the back of the line to start all over. Like rotational hell. Mother Earth will never get ahead.

It happens every four years. Yet still, every four years, people are completely stunned by its occurence. Oh my God, Y’all! It’s the 29th day of the month, but it’s FEBRUARY! Can you believe it?? And honestly, unless today is your birthday, you are a little bit lame if you are THAT excited about it. If I see one more post on the facepage about how Leap Day and Hump Day happened on the SAME DAY this year I might have to start swinging.

Huh.

Apparently I am rubbed the wrong way. I think it’s the election. The election is making me grouchy. And it’s not even here yet.

I’ve decided maybe I need to run for office. Here is my platform:

  1. If I am elected, I vow to implement the “I can see you” rule. This is a simple rule. If I can see you, stop what the hell you are doing. Stop it right the hell now. Stop picking your nose in the car. Stop wearing those ridiculous pants. Stop telling people you like Cold Play. Stop it. I can see you.
  2. If I am elected, I vow to implement instant legislation that makes it illegal for you to make hand signals that should only be made my sports officials. No asking to throw a flag, no pointing to FIRST DOWN, and not even indicating a touch down. Do you think the officials have forgotten these signs? Do you think you are explaining something to the other fans that they cannot otherwise figure out on their own? Player or fan — it’s now illegal. Not only is it ridiculous, but I can see you (see rule 1).
  3. If I am elected, I vow to pass a law regarding public nudity. If you have boobs, they must be covered. I’m talking to you, college men. You’re not as in-shape as you think.
  4. If I am elected, I vow to grant all citizens of these United States as well as ones we like best from Canada the right to enact a citizen’s arrest for anyone who pulls up to the ATM, and THEN starts to do their paperwork. Pull up, press buttons, do business, drive away. Do not sign your checks or balance your checkbook in front of the machine. Do it at home. Or at the office. Or in a parking space. But for God’s sake get the hell away from the machine if you aren’t ready. Because the power of this particular citizen’s arrest includes giving you a titty-twister.

These are my ideas. I know, they don’t involve limiting contraception choice or taking away health care, so they are kind of lame. But it’s a start.

Paid for by the people to elect Marney 2012. Effective February 29.

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