In case anyone was wondering which of the five of us — my brother, my sisters and myself — is the strangest, let me go ahead and answer that for you:
The answer is yes.
Top 10 things I am thankful for this year:
1. Coffee. You are so delicious and wonderful and you help me both wake up AND poop. Thank you.
2. Summer. Sure, you are gone. But I love your heat and your humidity and the way you make cold beer taste even BETTER than it already does. Thank you.
3. Health. I mean, I feel like a fatty and I’m not as young as I used to be. But I am in pretty good shape (considering). And my parts all still work and I have more energy then I had back when I was a 24-year-old skinny smoker. Thank you.
4. Karaoke. Self-explanatory. Thank you.
5. The Happy Place. No matter how often I go or what time of year it is, I feel a little empty and sad when I leave. There are only a few places in this world where I would love to be at any given moment, and the Happy Place is at the top of the list. Thank you.
6. That doctor who cut out my mom’s colon cancer. Cancer sucks. Removing cancer is awesome. Thank you.
7. Kayla & Nancy. More than just friends, they are the sisters I never had (even though I actually have three sisters). I feel pretty confident that if I needed them, they would hop on a plane as soon as humanly possible. Kayla is the second most generous person I know (very closely behind my mother) and for God’s sake, Nancy delivered her own child all by herself. My mother always told me how important it was to have girlfriends, and she was right. I am lucky to have the two of them, and distance and time don’t seem to make a difference. I don’t tell them enough how much I really love them. Thank you.
8. Family. Who else can know what a pain in the ass you are on a regular basis, but still invite you over for turkey and beer? Thank you.
9. Jim. That man makes me laugh. Thank you.
10. My boys. Nothing says that you have a good life better than two little boys who love each other so very much:
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Jim is in purchasing.
Wait, wait, wait, wake up. It’s not that boring.
As a purchasing manager, Jim basically bargains for a living. When he tells me stories about work, two things happen: 1) I try desperately not to fall asleep (seriously, it’s purchasing) and 2) I flash to that scene from A Christmas Story, when Ralphie’s old man is bargaining with the Christmas tree salesman — “The old man loved bargaining as much as an Arab trader, and he was twice as shrewd!” That’s Jim. When I paid full price for a cheap, $10 handbag in the Bahamas, I thought he would divorce me on the spot. And once, a bubbly Jim who’d said okay to one too many cocktails at the hotel bar at the Holiday Inn still managed to utter the phrase “you can’t do any better than that?” to the late night check-in clerk, who I’m sure loved finding rooms for drunken holiday party-goers.
Anyway, in the ongoing installment of nature versus nurture, today’s lesson is bargaining, and here’s how Hank did:
Hank, through tears: I’m sooo sooo soooo sooo sorry.
Me: Well, you’re paying for new ones.
Hank: How much?
Me (taking three $5 bills from his wallet): $12.
Hank: Can I have the change?
Me: Because you kicked your shoe into the pond.
That’s what we get for moving into a house on the water, limited water as it is. Also, it appears nurture wins again.