36 things

1 – I know you think you are being polite, but stop waving people through the intersection. Two things are happening here; 1) it’s your turn but apparently you are the ruler of the road, the sultan of the streets, the head honcho of the highways and YOU have decided that it is permissible that I go first, or 2) it’s already my damn turn. Either way, just go. And by the way, when you decide to stop in the middle of a traffic circle to inexplicably wave me along, don’t be surprised when the 15-passenger van behind you almost lands in your back seat. It’s a traffic circle. You’re destroying the purpose of it when you stop in the circle.

2 – Do people really watch GleN Beck? I mean, I thought I hated him, but I just feel sorry for him. What a tool.

3 – So McDonald’s is being accused of marketing Happy Meals to children. What genius gets paid ten times my salary to crack that breaking story? If your kids are fatties because they scarf down Happy Meals, look in the mirror. Unless Ronald McDonald is actually looking back, you can hardly blame anyone but who you see there.

4 – My husband refuses to pick up his socks. Stay tuned.

5 – I looked up in the rear view mirror when I heard my son saying, “Look, it’s chubby.” All I could see was Hank looking down, and George leaning all the way over to see what was in his lap. Horrified, I whipped my head around, to find Hank was making little hand puppets. Apparently, he named one of them Chubby. Lord have mercy.

6 – Conservatives are always harping on the “blame Bush” mentality of liberals. That we keep blaming Bush for problems that face the country today. I personally have never been on the “blame Bush” band wagon, but I am when it comes to this General McChrystal thing. Nine years into a war that never should have been started, and yes, the guys in charge are frustrated.

7 – On the other hand, I truly question the sanity of a man who would spend a full month saying these things — and letting his staff say these things — on the record to a Rolling Stone reporter. I mean, did they think he was just doing a piece on what kind of music they like? He’s a reporter, for the love of swiss cheese. Did the man really think he could call half the leaders of the free world a bunch of useless clowns and it wouldn’t make it into the article? I read that McChrystal sleeps only 4 hours a night, runs every morning, and eats only once a day. So really, what we’ve learned is that a man fighting an unpopular war while he is exhausted and hungry as hell does not think before speaking on the record. I hope it was worth it.

8 – Sarah Palin is seriously an idiot.

9 – I TiVoed a belly dancing show on FitTV to see what it was like. Not only was it immensely humiliating to try — even alone — but I inadvertently requested that it record the whole series, and I cannot figure out how to turn it off. Now I cannot hide it from my husband.

10 – I realized today for the first time that George will actually stop whining if I say, “Stop making that noise.” I have actual magical powers.

11 – I like my little small town newspaper job, and I watch a lot of the “24-hour news cycle” programs. But I think I would be a very miserable person if I had to work in that type of environment. It must be like a non-stop headache to do nothing but talk and worry and blab and analyze and pick pick pick at every little move that every politician makes. Ick. It makes me wonder what makes people go into pubic service, knowing that the media isn’t far behind.

12 – On the other hand, I got to do something similar just last night, as far as basically hounding local politicians for answers to questions. And it was kind of fun. So maybe I would be ok in that job anyway.

13 – I wish my husband would do the laundry sometimes. I mean, he does it wrong, but I still wish…

14 – I love summer. Hot sticky summer. So much that I am actually a little sad that the solstice has already passed, because it is only June and I feel like summer is already slipping away. It doesn’t help that I actually have the dreaded a/c on today, but really, 90 and humid is not exactly a recipe for happy children.

15 – I work out hard at the gym. Like, really hard. Weights and cardio and “Zumba” classes that are high impact and hard as hell. Yet still, I am a fatty. It is my destiny afterall. Bring on the Happy Meal.

16 – So we were hanging out at the Boondocks bar, and this group of… hipsters?… were there. So my sister Laura points at the guy wearing the douchey plaid short sleeves and says, “Hey, see if you can get that kid to dance.” So I tap his elbow and say “Let’s DANCE” and the kid looks at me horrified and spits out, “I have a girlfriend.” I got rejected by a 20-year-old dipwad who I wasn’t even hitting on. I cannot really wash off the shame.

17 – So you know how every once in a while, you drop that nasty stink bomb, and you’re feeling so relieved when SUDDENLY there is another person around. So naturally, you pretend that it wasn’t you but clearly you are the only creature in sight so who else could it have been? But still you try to carry on a conversation or whatever business you need to conduct while pretending you don’t smell it, all while watching the other party’s eyes actually water up? Yeah, totally happened to me. But in my defense, I was at the drive thru at McDonald’s getting my coffee, and I didn’t realize that it would waft OUT of my car and INTO the drive thru window. I was hoping she didn’t smell it, but when she slammed the window shut before handing me my change, it was kind of obvious. So, sorry McDonald’s girl. But the good news is, Karma says you can now unload a stinky air biscuit on some other poor unsuspecting soul.

18 – I totally stare at women at the gym. One of them is going to get the wrong idea sooner or later.

19 – I am unhappy that there is still a big mean German Shepherd next door. Apparently, he’s here to stay. Let’s hope he doesn’t take a chunk out of anyone else.

20 – I secretly wish I didn’t work. Not because I think that the time I spend at work is too much time away from my family, but because I am terrifically lazy and want to do nothing all day but sit on my big butt and not worry about anything else. I confess, one of my biggest desires is to secretly just be L-A-Z-Y.

21 – I was watching this infomercial (because I couldn’t find the remote) for this super awesome girdle thing that can make you instantly up to 20 pounds thinner. And all these women were like, I can finally wear my clothes! Hooray! Honey, if you needed to drop 20 pounds to fit in your clothes, they weren’t your clothes. They were the clothes of a woman 20 pounds lighter than you. You were just holding them hostage under you belly jelly. Give them back and go buy some clothes that fit already. You wouldn’t feel so fat if you were wearing a pair of jeans that fit, instead of struggling to get into a pair that is three sizes too small then complaining about your muffin top.

22 – I feel like I am the one woman in a million who feels this way, but I don’t get the allure of “Sex and the City.” A bunch of near-middle aged women who gush over shoes and clothes and involve themselves with men more swarmy then they are and oohhhhh they have SEX! The cast of characters is full of the most shallow, empty, self-absorbed people who, despite being wholly selfish, still lack any sense of self-respect. I watched one episode that centered around Carrie and Mr. Big (wow, so clever a nickname!) and he treated her in a manner that bordered on abusive. And this is the person she eventually married? And to top it all off — THEY ARE OLD. When you act that way at 25 it’s only partially acceptable due to your age. But at 45, you’re just an ass. Now, I know lots of smart, strong, independent women who ooze self-respect, and they all LOVE this show. So I get the whole, it’s just entertainment portion. But I would rather watch a “Faces of Death” marathon then get involved in these fictitious womens’ ridiculous lives. At least it would be realistic.

23 – On the other hand, I TiVo “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” But that’s different. I LOVE Khloe. And Kim’s perfume smells purty.

24 – Speaking of real entertainment, “CSI: Miami” has lost its luster. But it’s still kinda awesome.

25 – If you’ve ever met my brother Tommy, you know that he is one big grey-headed Irish man. The cap on his dome suggests he is way older than he actually is. But there are no complaints, because as opposed to other family members, he at least has hair. And since his fiance is already nine years younger than him, I think he kinda enjoys that people think he’s maybe some type of suave sugar-daddy. Of his four sisters, only Laura has managed to avoid the grey hair. Carrie and Amy have fought it for years. But for some reason, I fell under the delusion that the grey streaks popping up at my temples was somehow “cool.” The point of this little story is two things: 1) I am an idiot and 2) My hair is now brownish-red. Tommy clearly has the hold on the “silver fox” label in the family.

26 – The best story ever told is entitled, “Fat Lesbian Whores.” If you want, I will tell it to you. But I warn you, it’s hysterical, and much better told in person.

27 – I strongly believe that one of the great mysteries of man is the desire to eat all the bread in the bag EXCEPT for the heels. It’s exactly the same people. How much bread is wasted each year because people toss the bag with two perfectly good slices still inside? When Hank first started school, I would make his lunch in the morning, and sometimes I would make a sandwich for Jim. Only I would purposely put the heel of the bread on Jim’s sandwich, flipped over, so he wouldn’t know that it was the heel until he bit into the sandwich. You know what? He’s still alive. Amazing.

28 – Did you ever notice how some words can suggest both something wonderful and something disgusting? Like moist. Moist cake is delicious. But unwanted moisture is just smelly.

29 – I think shoes that light up were invented to torture parents. Because they are bright and ugly and expensive and kids love them because they LIGHT UP. Jim and I have spent hours trying to disable the lights in George’s shoes (which were a gift, thanks a lot grandparents) to no avail. Is there something wrong with white tennis shoes? I miss those days.

30 – Do kids still tell “what’s grosser than gross?” jokes? I think we should make some new ones up. Like, what’s grosser than gross?  Bristol Palin telling teenagers that there’s nothing worse than the difficulties of being a teenage mother all while collecting a big fat salary for speaking tours and apparently, acting, all because she is, in fact, a teenage mother. Yeah, good one me.

31 – Every once in a while, despite my 10-years of being cigarette free, I really, really want a smoke.

32 – I have a list of things I’d like to do before I die, although I refuse to call it a bucket list because that is just stupid. But one of those things is to take singing lessons. I mean, it’s not like I’ll be taking the stage at the Grand Ole Opry, but I think it would be cool if I would learn how to sing more than one song. I mean, I do that one ok. Maybe I could carry a different tune. 

33 – I totally got duped into hosting another jewelry party. Ok, not duped. I’m just an idiot. It’s July 23, in case you want to come.

34 – I have hockey withdrawl. Cubs and Sox weekend? Who cares.

35 – I have long had a serious issue with the English alphabet. And it is the letter W. Look at that. Does that look like a double-U to you? No. It’s a double-V. Two V’s put together, not two U’s. Who the hell named it double-U? Kids are even taught to make TWO V’s, thus creating… the double-U. Not the double-V. And we wonder why these kids turn to drugs! Don’t think about this one too hard, it will make you crazy. Of course, without that misnomer, Texas would have given us Dub-V, which doesn’t have quite the same ring to it as Dubya. 

36 – I chose the number 36 because that is how old I am. I will be choosing my children’s ages should I try this experiment again.

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12 Comments

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12 responses to “36 things

  1. Meg

    Haha. I’ve missed reading your blog Marney. I need to make more time for it. You always make me think and/or put a smile on my face.

  2. Corie

    I love your writing Marney! I love your topics – whether they are serious, funny, or random. You make me think and you make me laugh. You should have a column in a big big newspaper. Like Sex in the City, but not. 🙂

  3. Jacki

    OMG – did you see the most recent episode of Khloe and Kourtney take Maimi, or whatever it’s called? I was in tears! When Scott enters the kitchen and sees Khloe on the counter and Kourtney trying to rub butter on her burn in a very special place…his words “….and this is normal?”

    Hilarious. I forced my guy to watch it. He’s hooked.

  4. Kayla

    that’s a hell of a point about double v…

  5. Hunni watches GleN Beck and it makes my skin crawl.

    I love the Kardashians and all their nonsense. So funny.

    I learned to make a double-U as two u’s but that was in Europe so I’m weird. It doesn’t look like “W”. But I also spell Grey with and “e” and things like honour with a “u”.

  6. Nancy

    “I think shoes that light up were invented to torture parents. Because they are bright and ugly and expensive and kids love them because they LIGHT UP.”

    Shut. The. Hell. Up. You are the same woman who purchased light-up heels for Kayla to wear to YOUR WEDDING REHERSAL!

    Also, I’m glad I could be a part of your favorite story ever. If only the reality of it hadn’t changed…

    • Marney

      Dude, Kayla can totally pull off light-up heels. George is not pulling off light up Lightning McQueen shoes. All he does is stomp stomp stomp all the time.

      Just for that, your children will now have years worth of light up shoes, compliments of Auntie Marney.

  7. Mom

    Anyone who knows Marney must ask her about the FAT LESBIAN WHORES its a great story. I know I am her mom

  8. You MUST tell me why you stare at women in the gym. I wrote a blog post about being disconcerted by women looking at me via the mirror in the gym. coincidence?

    • Marney

      I cannot tell a lie… I am staring directly at their chests. Because my boobs are enormous and flop helplessly about as I jog and zumba and even as I do push ups, while other women’s stay perfectly put. How do they do it? Was there a meeting? Did I miss it? How did so many women learn to keep the girls in check, while mine appear to move independently from the rest of my body?

      In a related story, the MEN seem to stare at my chest all the time (seeing as my boobies are flailing about), so I think it works out. But if you are ever exercising in the greater Chicagoland area, beware, I *will* look at your bosoms.

  9. Unless you have bionic eyes, my chest is safe from your steely gaze, encased in my sports bra in a council gym.

    I can only assume that my static chest is due to my sports bra and 32c’s. Celebrate your breastage!

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