Random thoughts for a Wednesday

  • I’m tired of politics. I mean honestly, everyone is so damn nasty.
  • As I get older, I seem to already be losing my memory on certain things. Except for “Baby Got Back.” I still know all the words to that.
  • If you want to get your husband to shut up, it is as easy as muttering two simple words: “vaginal discharge.” If you want him to not only shut up but to leave the room, add the word “bloody” in front of it.
  • I can juggle, something I learned in gym class in high school when I opted for the “Circus Stunts” elective. I wonder how many other former Tigers have kept this skill.
  • Energy drinks taste like feet. And no, I’ve never actually tasted feet. But I’ve sure smelled them. And if I had to pick a taste to go along with the stankiness that is my husband’s feet, it would be Monster. Look, the name even fits.
  • When being sarcastic and trying to crack a funny, always know your audience first. Because when you tell members of the fire department that you’d like to see them add a pole inside the department, because then they could invite adult entertainers over and use it as a fundraising activity, if they don’t KNOW you are kidding, they don’t like it. If you continue on by telling them that poles in a firehouse are as American as apple pie, and then ask them, “Why do you hate America?” and they STILL do not crack a smile, time to back away.
  • Why is it that every person I know from my grade school days stayed thin except for me?
  • I find it extremely annoying that Sarah Palin can memorize an entire monologue for the Tonight Show, but she cannot remember her top three core values without writing them on her hand. But then again, I am also sick of politics, so it’s fairly useless to bring that up.
  • I am never wrong. NEVER.
  • If you do not love Lady Gaga, you should be ashamed.
  • Lady Gaga dresses like a complete and total freak, and one with a bizarre aversion to pants. You do NOT have to love that part of her. Just the music. Unless you dig the freaky shit. Then, love away at the costumes.
  • Did I mention how I am always right? ALWAYS.
  • If you are still looking for ways to annoy your husband, make sure you take everything he says, twist it, then use it against him. Works every time, sometimes even better than mentioning the discharge.
  • I want summer. Hot, sticky summer. I want to open the windows and smell the fresh-cut grass and sweat when I step outside instead of shiver. I need to go for a walk. I need to sit on the porch. I NEED it. Please, for the love of all that is good and holy, let the temperature warm up.
  • One month until Opening Day. Things are looking up already.
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3 Comments

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3 responses to “Random thoughts for a Wednesday

  1. Kyle Jones

    Opening day. Poor Cub fans.

    PS. You are not always right. Lady Gaga needs a to fall off the earth.

  2. Husband

    Maybe you should add that the best way to get your husband to totally suffer mental abuse is to get your mother to join in on the discharge thing. That seemed to work…

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