Redeeming qualities? Who needs ’em!

I have been known from time to time to acknowledge my love for all things completely and utterly useless.

I get excited each week when my “Star” magazine comes in the mail. I watch trashy TV shows. My husband and I have a drinking game revolving around when David Caruso takes off his sunglasses. We cannot make it through the weekend without “The Soup”. And of course, there’s my time spent watching GleN Beck. If that’s not proof that I enjoy the ridiculous, what is?

Enter these fine folks:

Oh looky loo, it’s the cast of “Jersey Shore.” And let me tell you… they are AWESOME.

I wholeheartedly admit, we tuned in to this show for one reason and one reason only. We saw the preview when Snookie, the tiny little one on the right there, got decked right in the grill by some drunk guy in a bar. We HAD to see this. Of course, in the week between the time they showed the preview and the time the show aired, MTV realized that maybe showing physical violence against women in an effort to boost ratings wasn’t the best idea. So they scrapped the footage… the footage that by that time had been seen on multiple news and entertainment shows and was a YouTube sensation.

So here’s the deal. These young folks got picked by MTV to live in what I can only describe as the crappiest beach house ever for the summer. They drink and invite strangers over for random sex and then they sleep until 3 p.m., then they repeat it. In the meantime, there are awesome conversations about “creeping” and “juicing” and “Guidos” and “Guidettes.” Everyone they see is called “kid” and the men in the house will throw a punch at anyone EXCEPT for the drunk dude who popped Snookie right off her bar stool (he was arrested though, but not a one of these guys even grabbed him. I’m pretty sure Jim would have knocked his drunk butt on the ground, and he’s not exactly Mr. Bench Press. Seriously guys, someone hits a woman, it’s kind of your JOB to hit him. I’m just sayin’). There’s a lot of fuzzing out of female body parts while ladies dance. There are size 2 clothes on size 6 girls. And of course, there is the mantra:  GTL — gym, tan, laundry. The boys of Jersey Shore do NOT go a day without accomplishing these three things.

Apparently, some Italian Americans were upset at how the show portrayed both Italians and people from New Jersey. Seeing as I am an Irish-Polish chick from the suburbs of Chicago, I cannot relate. But I can say this: I don’t care.

These people are awesome. One of them is called “The Situation.” How awesome is that? Not just a nickname, but one that starts with THE. I mean, who pulls that off? The Donald. The Hulk. And The Situation. That’s some mighty fine company, there. Jim and I were so impressed with their nicknames, we tried to come up with some of our own that also start with THE. Which reminds me, from now on, I will only answer to “The Oscillator.” It represents how I catch everyone’s eye when I walk in a room, my head scanning the crowd like an oscillating fan. Nice.

The cast of the Jersey Shore is reportedly asking for more money. A lot more. From a few hundred bucks an episode up to $10,000 an episode. And I say, GIVE IT TO THEM. These people have absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever. They are shallow and weird and slutty, every last one of them. Young Snookie was planning on sleeping with a guy one day, noting that he was handsome, so “he must be clean.” Dude — YOUR MOTHER IS WATCHING. The Situation had sex with a drunk girl in the hottub, and she was so schnockered, I’m surprised she didn’t press charges in the morning. The big punchy guy (I don’t know his name, he clearly doesn’t have a cool enough nickname) chased after a guy and knocked him out cold in the street, then acted shocked that he got arrested. And instead of bailing him out, everyone else went home and went to bed!

No. Reedeeming. Qualities.

Yet still, I watch. Sometimes, you just need a mind numbing escape. Thanks cast of Jersey Shore. See you next summer!

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Redeeming qualities? Who needs ’em!

  1. This show has single-handedly changed how my weekends in TX are spent. We went to the club where the boys ordered drinks that can only be described as “uughghgh”, the girls had size 4 clothing on size 14 women (true story, thank god cameras weren’t allowed), and of course, the 4 boys in my immediate group can all now “Fist Pump Like Champs”. One even did the “Vinny Dance” in the middle of the Dance Floor.

    God Bless The Jersey Shore and all it’s ridiculousness

  2. Jacki

    Marn, I wasn’t watching this show until friends of mine referred to it as their guilty pleasure. I smiled and said “I love those! When is it on?” I literally started watching just a few days before the season finale. Lucky me, MTV runs reruns ALL THE TIME, so I got my fill before the finale!
    I am happy to say that this has given me new things to laugh at!
    Case in point: I went to the health club (where I, too, people watch). I finished up my cardio and was walking over to the weights when I found myself walking head on with a Snooki look alike.

    Had this happened a week earlier, I would have just laughed in my head and made some snotty remark about how she looked…now? Now that I saw Snooki? I nearly busted out laughing in this chick’s face b/c of all of the Snooki things that popped into my head!

    As a result, I feverishly loaded mobile Facebook onto my Blackberry and posted the following:
    Lookie lookie! Bloomingdale LifeTime Fitness has its own Snooki!
    A post to which nobody replied – baffled. I realized at that point that either many people are missing out on the train wreck that is Jersey Shore…or everyone has blocked my posts, hence didn’t even see my thought. I would like to believe it is the former.

    Either way – whatever…right? *Fist Pump*

    • Marney

      Last week in church, it was the youth service. And a lovely high school aged girl read the gospel and gave the sermon. It was really great. She told a story about how difficult it can be to find your place, and how high school kids can be unforgiving, and how hard it is to reach out to other kids, but how rewarding it can be. All stuff that we can all relate to, because we were teenagers once and we get it. It really was super-good, very impressive and very articulate for a girl so young. And all I could think was, “Why does that girl have Snooki’s hair? How many bump-its does she HAVE in that thing?” Ahhhhh, Jersey Shore kids. Thank you thank you thank you.

  3. I LOVE THIS SHOW! It reminds me that even the stupidity I’m surrounded with isn’t as bad compared to this.

    Makes me think back to my college years and all the too tight clothes everyone was wearing.

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