There are a lot of bad things happening in this world today. War. A faltering economy. Climate change. Unemployment. Health care crisis. People are suffering. People are unhappy. Life is hard. But let’s talk about a real monstrosity. This is so bad, I would argue that some of you might not be able to handle it:
What the hell, Brad Pitt? What the hell? I mean, honsetly, I think at this point, Angelina is thinking about joining Team Aniston just to get away from that scraggly nonsense. Are those TAILS coming off your beard? Seriously, dude, you are the sexiest man in America. Not Johnny Depp (sorry Amy), not Matt Damon (sorry people who like big, toothy dudes), not one of those New Moon Twightly werewolf-vampire dudes (sorry every teenaged girl in the nation). YOU. BRAD PITT.
Remember when we first met you?
Oh JD, you criminal cowboy! You stole our hearts and all of Thelma and Louise’s money! Remember when you walked away?
Thelma: “There he goes. I love watching him go.”
WE LOVED WATCHING YOU GO TOO!!!
Remember when you had a romantic tryst with Thelma in the hotel room, where you taught her how to be the world’s most polite armed robber?
Thelma: “I finally know what all the fuss is about!”
Louise: “Oh, you finally got laid properly.”
Brad, what have you done with JD? Sure, you cannot stay young forever, but not since Cary Grant has a Hollywood heart throb shown us that growing older and growing sexier are one in the same. I mean, LOOK AT YOU:
Sexy young Brad Pitt — Check!
Sexier older Brad Pitt — Double check!
Look at the path you were taking! Hollywood royalty. A DILF, perhaps? To quote the Indigo Girls, “With every lesson learned a line upon your beautiful face.” Then, for reasons unknown, you decided to take this as your inspiration:
Or maybe this:
Oops. Hey there, Lady Gaga! Where did you come from?
Back to Brad.
Why why why why why why why did you steal my sexy Brad? And don’t tell me it’s for a movie. You are a multi-gozillionaire. You don’t need the money! It. Is. Not. Worth. It.
To further quote the Indigo Girls, get out the map, Brad. Get out the map and find a way out of crazy town and point your car in that direction. You don’t have to be JD again. You cannot reverse the hands of time. But I want to go HERE:
Do it for Angie. Do it for your kids. For the love of God, Brad Pitt, DO IT FOR ME.