Dear GleN Beck: Grow a Pair

GleN Beck is a moron.

I try and watch him regularly, not to make myself crazy, but so that when I make my assessment of him, it’s real. It’s based on actual knowledge, not blog quips and short sound bites. And based on all I’ve gathered, plus the fact that I am fabulously smart, I can honestly say — the man is a moron.

Today he spent 45 minutes talking about… something. Communism? Big bad Obama. Something. Most of the time he kept waving around a fairly new copy of Hitler’s “Mein Kemph” and talking about how bad it was. I kept thinking, “dude, why did you BUY a copy of that? You spent MONEY on Hitler’s book.” Moron.

But then came the goods. GleN Beck showed some old commercials that remind him of the “simpler” times of America. You know, Mean Joe Green takes a kid’s Coke, and it’s so delicious, he is suddenly NOT Mean Joe Green. He’s NICE Joe Green. So nice he throws his sweaty, blood-stained jersey right in the kid’s face. Then he shows an old Kodak commercial, as families gather on 8 mm film to Paul Anka singing about having the time of your life (not to be confused with when Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey had the time of THEIR lives, because no one puts Baby in the corner).

Then GleN begins:

“America has never been a perfect place, but we used to be united.”

I nearly spit out my Diet Pepsi as Mr. Beck, the man who confronts the White House daily, speaks about the lack of unity in the country. But it got better:

“If you could go back to those simpler times when people were together, you’d do it in a heartbeat, wouldn’t you? I’d be tempted to belive them. But he truth is…”

Wait…. why is GleN stopping? What is he… OH MY GOD HE’S CRYING!

“No politician can take you there, they can only take you farther from there. Only common sense and hard work and only the honest truth or better yet the hard reality. You know…”

Big pause as the waterworks flow.

“America, we’ve been at a party that we weren’t supposed to be at. The two kids that were driving us there, they said don’t worry, nothing’s going to happen, you’re not going to get caught. And you had a moment there where you wanted to obey your parents and you were like, ok. Because everybody’s doing it. Then you were there, they promised you that you were going to leave by midnight, they promised you that. And now it’s almost two o’clock and you find yourself at a party where you haven’t really done anything but you smell like pot, your friends spilled beer all over you, you’re out way past curfew, and you don’t know what to do anymore, you’re going to get your butt kicked. We’re facing the same choice now. Remember when our parents said to us, just come home and tell us the truth. We’ll get through this. Look, don’t get me wrong, it’s not going to hurt Dad more than it hurt you, at least in the short run. It is going to stink when we all have to stay home on a Saturday night because we’re financially grounded. But in the long run, you will look at your children…”

Big, quivering lip, crocodile tears.

“…and you will tell them, that you hated it, you hated the things that you did at the time because they were hard, but your Dad was right, and you’re glad you did it. And your children will have respect for what you did. You have to start making the hard choices now.”

Ok. Wuss boy totally lost me. Let’s see. The Obama administration = bad kids with pot and beer. GleN Beck = kid who swears he didn’t have any pot and beer but got busted, it’s not mine I swear, it’s Obama’s. And the lesson here is apparently, if you tell your kids that you did NOT take Obama’s pot and beer, then we shall surely return to a time when Mean Joe Green is made nice via Coca-Cola and 8 mm films come back into style.

Additionally, GleN Beck basically said that you absolutely cannot trust elected officials, since they can only take you farther from the good times. And apparently, it’s all cause to weep. So to recap.

  • Politicians = trying to rob you of your happiness
  • Happiness = Mean Joe Green taking your kid’s Coke
  • Obama = Pot smoking, beer drinking teenager
  • GleN Beck = Kid who smells like beer and pot but it’s Obama’s I swear!
  • Getting busted by parents for partying with Obama = only way to make your children love you
  • Crying = What you do when you are having a break with reality on national television

Dude. I have NO IDEA what that moron was just talking about. Or why it turned him  into a blubbering little girl. Or why he even has a show. But serioulsy, GleN, look into balls. I invite you to grow a pair.

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