Foul Mouthed Hooligans

Yes. Abandoned donkeys.

I think it is possible I spend entirely too much time on these here internets. There is little if anything that does not attract my attention. There is not a chance in hell that I will not click on something that has the word “Kardashian” in it, despite the fact that I have actually lost any interest in their show and am therefore no longer keeping up with said Kardashians. Did you know Kourtney’s baby bump was photoshopped out of her swimwear advertisement photo? I sure did! Because they sell that crap at Sears, so lord knows I am tempted to buy it at least twice a week.

The written word is my buddy. It is how I make my living and by “make my living” I mean how I make the paycheck that Jim considers “super cute!” I like to write. I like to read the stuff that is written. But dammit if it is not getting me in trouble these days.

It seems I have gotten so accustomed to putting everything I want in writing, I have forgotten how to talk to actual people. I write e-mails and posts on the facepage and then I am ASTONISHED that my tone is not coming through. People think I am full of funniness when I am irritated and ripping them apart when I am just talking and apparently my awesome wit and sarcasm are not making it through. Conversely, I seem to talk the way I write — so when I think I am telling my funny funny jokes, I am actually bugging the crap out of someone.

Gah.

Look at me now, not making any sense.

Truth is, I feel like lately I am one big vehicle of miscommunication. It used to be that if you wanted to say something, you wrote it. That way you got it all out, thought about it, it was not interrupted, just you and your thoughts, THEN you passed them on to someone and they could see all the things that you were not eloquent enough to say. But now, everyone is so used to writing things out on the fly, there’s no longer thought to it. Written words are just as mumbo-jumbo-ed as the hastily made comment was in days past.

I don’t think this is fixable. It’s just the new way of how it is. My once beloved treasure of writing, journaling, note-taking… It’s not something that just a few of us do anymore. It is no longer what “artsy” kids do when they actually have no artistic talent so they write and wear black skirts and act like nothing is more difficult than having to drive your mom’s Buick to school. EVERYONE is a writer anymore. Even if just a status update.

Proof — abandoned donkeys. Abandoned donkeys are trending on Yahoo. It’s kind of a serious story. But somehow, “abandoned donkeys” (which by the way is a kick-ass name for a band) is how the story is being described. Not “animal rescue” or “farmers in danger” or “drought affects animals.”

Abandoned donkeys.

Sure to get people’s attention! Sure to not really come anywhere close to relaying the facts behind the story.

This is possibly my lamest post ever. I think I am simply finding myself irritated with the written word — so much so that I am having trouble explaining WHY I am irritated with the written word. Maybe I should just start making phone calls. The spoken word is such a lost art form.

So it’s February 29.

It has something to do with the way the earth orbits the sun. Seems it does not orbit in 365 days, it orbits in 365 days and six hours. So every four years they have to add in that extra day or else eventually the seasons and the calendar will be all messed up. It’s rude of you think about it. The earth struggles and struggles to get a little bit faster, and every four years we send it to the back of the line to start all over. Like rotational hell. Mother Earth will never get ahead.

It happens every four years. Yet still, every four years, people are completely stunned by its occurence. Oh my God, Y’all! It’s the 29th day of the month, but it’s FEBRUARY! Can you believe it?? And honestly, unless today is your birthday, you are a little bit lame if you are THAT excited about it. If I see one more post on the facepage about how Leap Day and Hump Day happened on the SAME DAY this year I might have to start swinging.

Huh.

Apparently I am rubbed the wrong way. I think it’s the election. The election is making me grouchy. And it’s not even here yet.

I’ve decided maybe I need to run for office. Here is my platform:

1. If I am elected, I vow to implement the “I can see you” rule. This is a simple rule. If I can see you, stop what the hell you are doing. Stop it right the hell now. Stop picking your nose in the car. Stop wearing those ridiculous pants. Stop telling people you like Cold Play. Stop it. I can see you.
2. If I am elected, I vow to implement instant legislation that makes it illegal for you to make hand signals that should only be made my sports officials. No asking to throw a flag, no pointing to FIRST DOWN, and not even indicating a touch down. Do you think the officials have forgotten these signs? Do you think you are explaining something to the other fans that they cannot otherwise figure out on their own? Player or fan — it’s now illegal. Not only is it ridiculous, but I can see you (see rule 1).
3. If I am elected, I vow to pass a law regarding public nudity. If you have boobs, they must be covered. I’m talking to you, college men. You’re not as in-shape as you think.
4. If I am elected, I vow to grant all citizens of these United States as well as ones we like best from Canada the right to enact a citizen’s arrest for anyone who pulls up to the ATM, and THEN starts to do their paperwork. Pull up, press buttons, do business, drive away. Do not sign your checks or balance your checkbook in front of the machine. Do it at home. Or at the office. Or in a parking space. But for God’s sake get the hell away from the machine if you aren’t ready. Because the power of this particular citizen’s arrest includes giving you a titty-twister.

These are my ideas. I know, they don’t involve limiting contraception choice or taking away health care, so they are kind of lame. But it’s a start.

Paid for by the people to elect Marney 2012. Effective February 29.